Excerpt from Chapter - Portrait of an Avoidant Abuser

The avoidant abuser engages in three types of lies :

Secrecy

Self deception

Deception of others

Secrecy can be considered a form of lying - when withholding important facts can relay misleading or contrary information to the truth. Here, as well as during the deception of others, the abuser is acutely aware of the true facts and consciously engages in a process of misleading and deceiving. Self deception however is part of the fundamental make up of an abuser's psychology. It often forms the basis of their ability to conduct devious and sustained abuse campaigns.

SECRECY

Withholding honest communication and crucial information at any stage has some key effects. Firstly, it maintains secrecy. Abusers rarely reveal their true thoughts, emotions and plans, nor do they reveal purpose behind actions so that it takes others a long time to figure out by which time the damage has been done and it is already too late. They know that if the recipient has no clue of their plans they cannot prepare defence. They carefully control what they say and reveal keeping hidden their weaknesses, ulterior motives and obsessions. This results in it being almost impossible to predict their moves. Their targets often feel as if they are constantly in the dark unable to predict what may happen next. It can be notoriously difficult to uncover their hidden intentions. This mystery is ultimately strategically advantageous. It maintains a powerful initiative in the hands of the abuser, with the targets unable to act but only react. As they struggle to read the abusers next move they reveal themselves even more, placing themselves in even greater disadvantage.

This vagueness also increases 'mystery'. By maintaining mystery it also increases demand or desirability. Abusers often hook in their targets with mystery and make themselves seem more desirable than they actually are. This is a primary tactic. Maintaining a carefully constructed 'wall of mystery' which is impossible to penetrate, acts as a cover up or mask hiding the true plain facts. It prevents a normal and natural process of easy understanding and acceptance of the facts by the other. We have seen earlier how avoidance can provoke the opposite reaction in the other and make them respond with more preoccupation which can provide the avoidant with a lot of attention. In this manner mystery can make the abuser feel more desired and desirable - and in control - and thus more powerful. Being a psychological tactic, many recipients do find that if the mystery ends for some reason, the curiosity and thus engagement usually subsides and the target can feel a sense of relief. Being open and transparent generally prevents or ends any 'mystery'. The problem is that abusers are often very good at keeping secrets.

In addition, the withholding of crucial information creates ambiguity. The creation of ambiguity can be seen as a means of gaining control by confusion, mixed messages and controversy. The abusers control is based on this ambiguity and it's unpredictability, vagueness and suggestion. Absolute silence is a technique par excellence to maintain ambiguity. Withholding communication manufactures the ambiguity which is effective in disorienting the target as well as keeping them hooked. Something that is obscure and suggestive can mislead inducing the target to over think and guess possibilities - and this process can be a tactic to keep them 'hooked in' to the 'game' that is being played out. Once this technique is carried out, its effects and repercussions are set into motion to create continuing internal conflict and trauma within the target.

secrecy - hides information

mystery - increases attraction and demand

ambiguity - confuses

Avoidance in general causes more conflict and feeds on itself. A refusal to communicate withholds information, but this is not the only effect it has. Withholding information as we know, not only promotes secrecy or hiding, it also increases mystery and ambiguity. This hiding of information, and the ambiguity disempowers the recipient leaving them unaware and confused. This also gives the avoidant in a position of power, where they can control the release of information as well as provide communication only if they wish to. During abuse, this power is used to the abusers advantage and to the recipients disadvantage.

SELF DECEPTION

Avoiding self criticism abusers can be experts at being able to self decieve - they favour hiding and covertness and love to keep secrets even from themselves. At this point a layer of self deception may be involved, where they can construct a fantasy to avoid facing the reality of their inadequacies, and will get others to be complicit with them who support their fantasy and lies. This is enough to make it reality for them.

The self deceit of an abuser can be so insiduous that at times they honestly believe their distortions and fantasies are true. Some psychopathic personality types may genuinely have trouble knowing what the truth is. This may be due to a combination of problems, for example, they may experience cognitive dissociations in which they temporarily break from reality and may honestly experience reality completely differently from any observers, where any recorded evidence will not agree with their version of reality. Yet the troubling part is that many times this is not the case. Rather they are well practiced in extensive pathological lying and avoidance of the truth to deliberately attempt to distort reality. As a result, they may repeat their vilifying lies in varying inconsistent versions. The inconsistencies will not simply be of opinions - they will be of even basic facts. They will often come up with multiple versions of events, growing in severity, over repeated lies. Because this is a deliberate tactic however, they can be completely normal - honest and in touch with reality in all other arenas, especially in a wider social context. So their lies gain ever greater credibility. Others see them as being capable and uprighteous, and will not believe that they can willfully and deliberately attack another with self created concoctions - seemingly for no reason at all. The entire existence and enactment of their abuse is generally incomprehensible by most of those who know them.

The abusers tactic is to create a fantasy world exactly how they want and treat others according to it. This fantasy world benefits them in a few main ways - it can help enhance their ego, help them to conduct abusive acts, as well as help them to justify abusive acts and absolve themselves of responsibility in their own view. They are experts at constructing self deceptive scripts to disengage so their conscience does not bother them. During this disengagement, abusive acts can be seen as harmless, trivial, beneficial or even virtuous. They like to impose their self deceptive world view on others including the target - rather than being interested to discuss common ground, to get to the 'truth', or mutually negotiate an understanding in order to reach common policy or agree on issues.

This is why communicating with an abuser can be so frustrating and seem so pointless. Many times is not possible to 'get the abuser to understand' what they already know. Many who feign innocence and altruism can in reality be cunning, passive aggressive and shrewd. They can torture by acting ignorant. They should not be given the benefit of doubt or be supported by the idea that they can't help themselves or are helpless in some way. Recipients of abuse agonise and self critique on their perceptions. Abusers on the other hand, are experts in being convinced of their delusions without any self doubt or questioning.

Abusers can delude themselves to stop feeling remorse about the abuse they have committed. Complicit supporters further help them to justify abuse as acts of virtue. They can tell themselves 'I didn't tell them as I didn't want to hurt their feelings so I left by not saying a word' - this way they have their attack or revenge and leave feeling like 'the good person'. If abusers ever feel any guilt their strategy is to cover it up with more abuse. The final strategy is of course denial and banishment, thus escaping any accountability.

The heightened sense of self importance when one they have 'dumped' seems desperate to want them back, not wanting to appear the 'bad guy' in public, rather than admit feelings of 'triumph' prefer to declare more 'humble' feelings such as feeling 'guilt' over 'hurting you' yet contradictarily feel renewed enthusiasm to continue to behave as before. They can ignore the suffering they have inflicted on their target by remaining superficially in a state of general obliviousness to the effects of their behaviour and the devastation they have caused. Along with this disconnect they will rather than easily remedy the situation by dealing directly with the target of their abuse, gain support and sympathy from many others by speaking of their apparent 'remorse' and 'prayers' for their victim. This helps them further by maintaining their image both to others and even to themselves as being a fundamentally decent caring human being, basically a 'nice guy'. They don't want to consider themselves as an 'abuser' or as a sadist or an inferior person - even though secretly they revel in their cruelty and power over another.

DECEPTION OF OTHERS

As we know, self deceptors psychologically manipulate others. This is conducted with the intent to control others, their outlook, views and perspective. The issue of control so dear to avoidant abusers has two aspects - on a personal level, self control can include thought censorship, self deception at various levels and various ways and the hall mark of avoidance - denial. Denial in that sense is a type of self deception. Apart from control on a personal level, control on others in a social context has psychological manipulation as a key tactic apart from engaging in attack, imposition, predation and psychological warfare.

Abusers engage in insidious, manipulative abuse by giving subtle hints and comments that result in the victim questioning their own behavior and thoughts. This is termed gaslighting. Gaslighting is often built upon a psychological process where they can see something clearly and still percieve not what the reality actually is, but what they wish for it to be. In this way they create a fantasy story version of events without any logic or proof. In Martin Buber's words, abusers often have a policy of 'affirmation independent of all findings' p 80 Even the most sincere intentions of others can become distorted and re-framed in a negative way so that they end up looking good to themselves and others look bad to them as they wish. With this biased perception they can treat the deserving unfairly, reward the undeserving, and can selectively victimise. In this way avoidant abusers believe what they would like to be true rather than what is true - they must control and have their own way with reality. The abuser's constantly changing preferences thus define right versus wrong, desirable and unwanted, what is to be pursued and what to be avoided and punished.

In the words of one avoidant abuser "Honestly, I wanted you to be more upset than you actually were because it plays into my theory on you, which was clearly just an amusing fantasy. Yeah, I'm bored too."

Avoidant abusers love to project their wishful fantasies as reality. If things don't turn out the way they liked, if a person does not respond in the way they prefer, they are apt to simply pretend that what they wanted did happen, start to believe it themselves, and ideally make as many people believe it as they can. This is what takes place during subversion strategies. Their aim is to own anothers perception of reality and they can destroy it and rebuild it in their own image.

Abusers often generate reactions of confusion in the other. Their fantasy version of events can be so surreal compared to actual reality that recipients can feel bewildered and unable to express themselves in response. Many do not realise that this response is due to the effect of the brainwashing techniques of gaslighting and subversion, where the abuser presents conclusions and statements based on their fantasy in order to destabilise the other and impose their own fantasy version of events upon them. To add to the complexity, this is not directly by explaining what their fantasy version of events actually is, but indirectly, with disconnected, bizzare, inflammatory, stigmatising or even attacking statements based on conclusions drawn from their fantasy version of events.

They excel in control and in forcing their target and others into a constructed role - as they see fit. If they want you to be a begging whining pleading desperate victim, or a menacing predator or vamp to be shunned by polite society, or a bit player in the background of their own magnificent lives - they they will place you in that role such that others see you that way and perhaps even till you start to see yourself that way. This process can include attempts to induce paranoia, or set up elaborate situations to induce the target to behave in a particular way. If the target is portrayed as a seducer, there may be set ups to encourage overtures and then traps to expose them, if they are placed in the role of a desperate pleading victim they will be encouraged to make contact and then denied it, with their actions being exposed and accompanied with public humiliation. If the target is placed in a role as a 'bit player' then what they are allowed to speak and their expression of the facts are stifled so as to not conflict with the 'main character' who is meant to 'steal the show' else they face being stigmatised and outcasted for expressing the truth.

ABUSERS POSSESS HATRED AND FEAR OF THE TRUTH

What abusers hate and fear is the truth. They hate being revealed and exposed, they fear scrutiny, the uncovering of their deception. Further on when we look at developing a response to avoidant abuse, we will see why the best strategy to deal with them is by not aiding their cover up, dismissing their attacks and avoiding them - but in truth and uncovering them and holding them responsible and accountable and if required even expressing due condemnation. To counter them with awareness, truth and integrity.

REFERENCES

Buber, Martin (1953). Good and Evil: Two Interpretations (Translated by Michael Hale Bullock). New York: Charles Scribner & Son.

Diamond, Stephen A. (1996). Anger, Madness, and the Daimonic: The Psychological Genesis of Violence, Evil, and Creativity. Albany, New York: State University of New York.

Fallon, James H. (2013). The Psychopath Inside: A Neuroscientist's Personal Journey into the Dark Side of the Brain. New York: Current Publications.

Ickes, William John., and Steve Duck. (2000). The Social Psychology of Personal Relationships. Chichester, West Sussex, England: Wiley

ScottPeck, Martin (1983). People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil. New York: Simon & Schuster

Tomison, Adam M., and Joe Tucci. (1997). Emotional Abuse: The Hidden Form of Maltreatment. Melbourne: Australian Institute of Family Studies, for National Child Protection Clearing House.

ISBN 978-0-9942430-4-1