Stages of 'grief' for the recipient of avoidant abuse :

Stage1 - Doubt and Denial

This is a period of uncertainty and doubt as to whether avoidance is taking place, suspicion of intention conflicted with the possibility of legitimate reason justifying the avoidance.

In the case of ghosting or sudden dissapearance, with a reduction or lack of communication from the other part and little to no response to any initiated communication, the recipient cannot be sure if the non communication is intentional or if there may be a legitimate reason. In the face of this non contact, it can take a while for the reality of avoidance itself to sink in, specifically because there is no explicit notification of it. This is logical - it takes a while to register avoidance and absence.

Attributes

Confusion, doubt, speculation and frustration

Stage 2 - Emotional Upheaval

This stage comes upon the realisation of the intentional nature of the avoidance. In some cases some kind of evidence or proof of the reason behind the avoidance may precede this realisation. In other cases this can be the breaking point of toleration of an unfavourable situation. The upheaval can result in anger, emotional intensity and possibly impulsive action (which may be later regretted)

This is the stage of temptation to impulsive action - perhaps a communication filled with anger and/or tears, a nasty message, bewildered and confused questioning. It is often the point at which a strong expression - even at the risk of non response, avoidance or even attack - may taken up anyway. Many times recipients at this stage can feel that they no longer need to hold back or give measured responses, that they just want to get their emotions out, that they have 'nothing to lose' anymore.

Not only is this a key time to feel the powerful urge to say or do something strong impulsively, it is also the worst time to give in to it. (A later stage is better for this, when one has had time to analyse and introspect and put in a bit of distance between the avoidance and their reaction, and one can make a measured response, or take up a better course of action, or at the least have something coherent to say or express). Any impulsive interaction done at this stage is often regretted in the long run. It rarely serves to 'release' any emotion for good, and it almost seems to justify the previous avoidance.

*Up to this stage, it must be noted that any avoidance is not necessarily intentional or abusive - it may be the initial stages of an abuse campaign, but it may also be genuine uncertainty on part of the avoider with no intention to harm. It is usually in the next stage that the existence of abuse becomes more clear and certain.

Attributes

Intense emotion - anger, hurt, bewilderment, a sense of having been blindsided are commonly experienced at this stage

Stage 3 - Attempts to Improve the Situation

The unsatisfactory 'conclusion' (if any) upon emotional upheaval can lead to attempts to improve the situation by finding some sort of relief, or understanding. This is the stage many seek 'closure'.

The recipient at this stage has four* main options :

- to engage with the avoider

This is the classic stage when people look for 'closure'. They may be looking for explanations, reasons, information, or at the very least basic respect and dignity that they are worth a response. They may have already said or done things they regret for being emotional or impulsive.

In addition, re engaging with the abuser or seeking support from mutual parties, can lead to new rounds of abuse, for example first by the abuser provoking the recipient and baiting them, then by shaming them by gaslighting them followed by smear campaigns

- to seek the support of one's support system / network / mutual parties

In case of social abuse, these very people turned to can turn out to be the proxies groomed by the abuser to further attack the target. Hence the recipient can face even more trauma as a result of trying to take this option. Many who support the abusers often adopt their psychology as well, which can further justify the abuser's behaviour. They can thus end up supporting them further in their abuse.

- to go to external sources for help

Telling others about the trauma one has experienced can be extremely therapeutic unless it is met by further attack, dismissal and shaming. It can be further destructive for targets of psychological manipulation such as the brainwashing techniques of gaslighting and subversion - often desperately seek for corroboration and validation - for their own perceptions and experience and version of events - for someone to reassure and reflect the truth rather than the abusers projection. When this is not forth coming the target can doubt their own perceptions even more, so it can be counterproductive. Many times the recipients of abuse are not yet at a stage where they can discern between advice which is helpful or harmful. Sometimes even well meaning words from strangers can inadvertently invalidate or trigger, which can lead to further self suppression, and self imposed isolation. Three common counterproductive advice tend to be :

Banishing blame

Suggesting Forgiveness

Encouraging Denial

- to 'escape'

In addition to the previous three options there is the path of 'escape' in order to feel better. In order to cope the recipient can feel the need to dissociate from the experience in order to end the torment. This can result in denial responses, and efforts to suppress emotion and repress memory.

Denial

Suppression

Feeling Numb

Appropriating the abuser's psychology

*there is one more option - relinquishment. While this can be the most empowering option, in the case of avoidant abuse, this response can be met with attempts by the abuser to re engage the recipient once again (hoovering) followed by abuse, or else, even if the recipient refuses to re engage, it can result in the abuser enforcing severe punishment upon the target for escaping their 'control' (for example via a smear or humiliation campaign).

Each of these paths often cause more problems thus, rather than solve the situation

Attributes of Stage 3

To put into practical action the effort to find relief. A drive to find relief whether by re engagement, or trying to come to closure in some sense, to attempt to reach understanding and clarity, or else to find relief by escape, replacement, and counter avoidance.

Recipients at this stage can be particularly vulnerable emotionally and mentally, and their efforts can backfire whether its due to enacted abuse strategies by the abuser, or by experiencing retraumatisation whether it is due to the efforts of the abuser, or via mutual parties who can act as proxies, or from other sources which can inadvertently hinder the resolution process instead of heal. Escape attempts also tend to only provide temporary relief, with detrimental side effects, often followed by renewed grief.

Stage 4 - Renewed Grief

This occurs when the previous attempts at Stage 3 to improve the situation do not yield desired results, or worse, backfire. It can lead to disappointment, frustration, renewed doubts and a sense of being 'back to square one'. Many recipients experience PTSD and anxiety by this stage

The recipient can often 'cycle', which means that after the stage of renewed grief they may go back to attempt to improve the situation with a different method, which can again backfire and lead them to try yet another technique, and this can continue repeatedly a number of times.

Attributes :

Common responses of the recipient include disappointment, despair, frustration, hopelessness, more self doubt, confusion and despondency. To appropriate the abusers methods can seem like the only option with denial, avoidance and emotional numbness.

Cycling - the Classic 'back to square one' experience

This repetitive cycling through the stages, which is often experienced more than once, forms the classic back and forth process most recipients of avoidant abuse experience. All these stages often lead to provocation, baiting, psychological manipulation, retraumatisation and social abuse. The abuse thus 'cycles' and gets longer drawn out, while the abuse and its resultant trauma increases in complexity and magnitude.

When recipients reach this point, it can be considered to be a fork in the road where the individual can go one way, or the other. One way is to internalise the abuse and appropriate it, the other is to counter the abuse and override it.

So how can this cycle be broken? Is there a better way to respond to avoidance, abandonment and excommunication? The answer is to look at the trauma experience of the recipient in a completely new and different way. This means seeing the trauma as being a layered experience rather than simply as a stage by stage process. In the next chapter we will see how...

REFERENCES

Buber, Martin (1953). Good and Evil: Two Interpretations (Translated by Michael Hale Bullock). New York: Charles Scribner & Son.

Diamond, Stephen A. (1996). Anger, Madness, and the Daimonic: The Psychological Genesis of Violence, Evil, and Creativity. Albany, New York: State University of New York.

Fallon, James H. (2013). The Psychopath Inside: A Neuroscientist's Personal Journey into the Dark Side of the Brain. New York: Current Publications.

Ickes, William John., and Steve Duck. (2000). The Social Psychology of Personal Relationships. Chichester, West Sussex, England: Wiley

ScottPeck, Martin (1983). People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil. New York: Simon & Schuster

Tomison, Adam M., and Joe Tucci. (1997). Emotional Abuse: The Hidden Form of Maltreatment. Melbourne: Australian Institute of Family Studies, for National Child Protection Clearing House.

ISBN 978-0-9942430-4-1